5 STAGES OF (“divorce”) GRIEF
source: Choosing Therapy
Why are we talking about grief? Well it is said that going through divorce is like experiencing death of the marriage and can be a struggle to process emotionally especially if you didn’t want the divorce. “According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book, On Death and Dying, these are the five stages of grief that take place when people are met with shattering loss.”
It is important to be aware of these stages to help identify them should you be experiencing emotions or feelings, that prior to this journey are unfamiliar.
In no particular order the five stages of grieving a divorce are:
1. Denial
“Divorce is a catastrophic loss in all areas, emotionally, spiritually, financially, and physically. For someone who is going through a divorce, the stage of denial might look like hope. A spouse might be hopeful that somehow the spouse seeking the divorce will change their mind, that perhaps they are just “going through a phase.”
2. Anger
“Anger during the grief of a divorce is an overwhelming feeling that seems to have no end. Individuals going through divorce have reported feeling angry towards the spouse seeking the divorce, towards themselves, towards the situations that led them there, and towards life itself.”
“Anger is important; it helps us to stay alive in the midst of great danger. Similarly, feeling angry in the midst of emotional pain protects us from breaking apart and from feeling pity towards ourselves. If we think of anger as a survival stage, it will be easier to allow ourselves to feel it, name it, and allow the feeling to take place.”
“We can displace this anger in positive ways in order to reach new goals. However, anger can be detrimental if we use it in a negative way, such as taking our anger out on other individuals, whether they’re friends, family, or co-workers. Individuals may also take their anger out on their children or pets. Repressed anger is detrimental to your ability to heal and grow.”
“If your anger is eating away at you or if you are directing your anger in a negative way, there are many resources and tools you can use, such as anger management and therapy.”
3. Bargaining
“The bargaining stage is when a person begins to think of everything that they can do to save the relationship—in other words, the negotiation stage. A last desperate sign of hope to resolve the issues to avoid ending the relationship. During this stage, people often put all of their efforts into saving the relationship, but they’re often met with rejection, which leads to overwhelming feelings of loneliness.”
4. Depression
“Many individuals who have learned how to cope with depression after divorce describe the process as feeling hopeless and overwhelmingly sad. They also describe deep loneliness, no vision towards the future, and being unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel. This stage is vulnerable for many individuals and the people who surround them.”
“The depression stage is when reality finally sinks in, and the pain can feel unbearable. This is the stage where the person sees how the life they had planned on having will no longer take place, that the dreams and future plans will no longer exist, and that hurts.”
“It is important to feel the pain and go through the sadness, as this will allow you to go through the final stage of grief and move on. Stay in this stage as long as you need to, and cry as often as you need to. It’s OK to be sad.”
“There is a difference between depression vs. sadness. If depression is interfering with other aspects of your life, it may be beneficial to talk to a mental health professional about how to treat depression.”
“Depression symptoms include:
If you struggle getting out of bed in the morning
If you no longer have interest in hobbies you once loved
If you’re isolating yourself
If your appetite or sleep schedule drastically changes
If you’re having thoughts of harming yourself”
5. Acceptance
“In terms of divorce, the acceptance stage means you acknowledge that the relationship is over and that there’s a new chapter ahead. Accepting that your marriage is over gives people closure; during this stage is when you dry your tears, decide to move on, and stop thinking about your ex.”
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source: DIVORCE MAG
Keep in mind if you have children they too are grieving
MODERN FAMILY LAW has some insightful info about children and grief
In addition to the aforementioned 5 Stages of Grief, there can be 2 additional stages:
6. Pain and Fear
“This really hurts in many ways, and how am I going to go on by myself emotionally, monetarily, etc.? You will feel all kinds of pain during your divorce; some of it will never go away. That’s OK, though. Pain lets you know you’re still alive; it can be your friend. Pain is also the great motivator. Pain gets you off of your ass and makes you do something to stop feeling sorry for yourself.
There was a poster in the academy that read, “Pain is weakness leaving your body!” I thought of that poster many times when I thought I was going to die after running until I felt like I was going to pass out. It’s OK to be afraid during this time. My biggest fears were if my kids would be OK during and after all this mess. I also had the fear of losing my home and a host of other financial problems. I made it through all the mess – and you will, too!”
7. Guilt
“You believe it’s all your fault – maybe a lot of it is. I’m totally screwing up my kids’ lives, and they will wind up in an orphanage. Try to take it easy on yourself. If most of the divorce is your fault, accept that fact and for God’s sake learn from your mistakes. Guilt is like a 100-pound weight strapped to your ankle. You have to get rid of it before you can move forward.”
Don’t be afraid to seek counseling! Processing our emotions on our own can be a challenge prior to or after divorce to say the least. Let’s use the available tools that we have access to or within reach.
Consider looking into:
Support groups
Church groups
Professional counseling (if financially feasible) or
Confide in a trusted friend or confidant. A friend by definition is someone who you know, like, and trust. Your true friends will be there for you if you let them.
Check our National Resources page. At the bottom left of this page click National Resources for more info on support groups and counseling.
Even still if you are having troubling or suicidal thoughts or feel there is no one you can turn to or feeling isolated you can reach out to the NATIONAL SUICIDE & CRISIS LIFELINE 24/7 free and confidential support call 988 (yes just those 3 numbers) or text 988 to chat.
988 (24/7 support) is NOT just for those who might be suicidal but for any mental or emotional distress you deem appropriate for needing to talk to someone.
So that can include feeling:
troubling thoughts
stressed
triggered
anxiety
depression
substance abuse issue(s)
relationship struggles
NATIONAL ALLIANCE ON MENTAL HEALTH 1.800.950.6264 M - F 10a -10p EST or text “Helpline” to 62640 to chat
Remember give yourself space and grace to experience what you need to feel. Let it up and out! It’s better out than in. It’s OK to feel how you feel no matter if people understand it or not.
REMEMBER You are worthy, you are Able to Move forward! You are ScootAble!
