THE BABIES………….How to Talk to Your Children About Divorce • CO - PARENTING • CUSTODY
Sigh...the babies. One of the saddest parts of divorce is the children and the effects on them. However in no way shape or form should parents have to stay in unhealthy marriages, especially if abuse or domestic violence is involved.
According to Parents.com “In the United States, it is estimated that 50% of kids will experience their parents getting a divorce before they turn 18.”
The news of divorce is not just hard on younger children but adult children as well. Let’s be honest, your baby will always be your baby no matter the age. Regardless of age, processing what divorce means is a challenge.Younger children may experience anxiety, rejection, abandonment, depression or even effects on their self-esteem. Whether they internalize it emotionally and feel guilt thinking they are to blame or they externalize it physiologically affecting their sleeping or eating habits. The full spectrum of the range of emotions is definitely palpable.
PARENTS.COM has an article that touches on some of the effects on children by age (birth-11y/o) and is a resource for just parenting in general.
***Check our National Resources under Information & Resources page and search Counseling for more info on support for children.
source: PARENTS.COM
How to talk to your children about divorce.
It’s “THE QUESTION” right? When is the right time to tell your children that their parents are no longer going to be together and what that means. And the answer truly will be up to you because you know your children better than anyone.
However that doesn’t mean it’s still not a hard conversation to have.
TODAYS PARENT has some insight that could help you with some pointers as it relates to divorce and children’s understanding with their age-by-age guide 0-14 y/o.
They also have what to watch for regarding emotional distress signs and behavioral changes and parental priorities broken down by age on how you can help your children process this major life change.
The article notes briefly subjects on surviving the split, nurturing the bond, good parenting, containing the conflict.
There is also at the bottom of the article 4 options for children’s books about divorce ages 4 - 12 y/o. A book can stimulate conversation(s) that you probably wouldn’t otherwise be thinking of.
Remember there’s not a one size fits all approach to sharing with your children about divorce. Keep in mind also that you’re processing this major change along with your children. It’s A LOT emotionally!
If talking to them is harder than you thought consider counseling, if counseling is not feasible financially, your child’s school counselor could be of help if they are of school age.
According to Survive Divorce “Because children going through a divorce will often act up in school, counselors are also an excellent partnering resource for parents who can’t always be available 24/7.
Teachers and classmates may not understand why someone has changed or has become a disruptive classroom problem. This can lead to abuse, bullying, academic underperformance, and more. Counselors are trained to spot problem areas and emotional triggers that may be the root cause of these problems.
Counselors advocate for finding solutions and work less toward punishment and more toward building bridges to a happier and more productive future.
They are also a vital resource and can coordinate messaging and treatment with parents to create a more holistic approach to helping a troubled child. If needed, counselors can also act as protectors for children experiencing divorce-related abuse or neglect at home.
After a divorce, counselors can also provide a stabilizing presence in a child’s life. Post-divorce follow-up is a critical part of helping children regain their mental health and adjust to their new reality.”
source: SURVIVE DIVORCE
Survive Divorce also has a more in depth article on “What to Say (and Not to Say) to Your Children in a Divorce”
source: SURVIVE DIVORCE
PODCAST - Divorced Girl Smiling has an episode on how and when to talk to your children about divorce. (Her podcast is not specific to just women)
CO-PARENTING
Getting through the divorce is stressful but the aftermath can be even more challenging. You may still share responsibilities as it pertains to your child(ren) with your ex-spouse in the form of custody.
One of the most important decisions in divorce is determining who your child(ren) will live with and who gets to make decisions on their behalf. This is called a parenting plan. If negotiating with your ex on custody is not possible then a judge will determine the “best interest” of the child(ren) and decide for you of which may not give you the outcome you desire.
If you can not agree on custody, the next step could be what’s called a custody evaluation through mediation where a trained mental health professional does an assessment and makes a recommendation on custody.
The court will be impartial or not show favor to one parent over the other, except where abuse or neglect may be involved.
If possible you may want to try to negotiate. It could be worth it as this decision will impact both you and your child(rens) lives for a long time to come.
CUSTODY
There are 2 types of custody (aka conservatorship depending on the state):
physical
legal
Physical custody. This type of custody involves what physical percentage of time your child(ren) will spend with each parent.
Legal custody. This type of custody involves giving a parent legal control in making important decisions such as medical care, where they attend school, etc..
CUSTODY ARRANGEMENTS
There is a “sub-category” to custody in what’s called custody arrangements. There are 3 different types:
sole custody
primary custody with visitation rights
joint custody
Sole custody. This arrangement means that your child(ren) lives with only one parent (the custodial parent) full-time and that parent retains physical custody while the other parent (non-custodial parent) will have very limited or no access.
When a parent has sole physical custody they may also have sole legal custody which means that one parent may have been deemed “unfit” and the other parent will have total control over the decisions pertaining to the child(ren).
Primary custody with visitation rights. This arrangement means your child(ren) live with one parent full-time but visits the other parent on a scheduled basis. Ex. alternating weekends or holidays etc…
Joint Custody. This arrangement could mean both parents share in the custody equally 50/50. The parents determine the terms or routine. Ex. alternating weeks, pick-up in the mornings for school Monday - Thursday etc…the possibilities are endless.
For more info on custody check out the following:
FORBES - Child Custody: Types, Laws & Parental Rights
additional info on visitation rights (supervised vs unsupervised), grandparents rights, and modification of custody
SURVIVE DIVORCE - The different types of Child Custody and What They Mean
ELLE - article by Emma Johnson (Wealthy Single Mommy) about her views, research on unequal unfair parenting as it pertains to single mothers, custody, and co-parenting
Read 6 WAYS A MOTHER CAN LOSE CUSTODY as A RESULT OF HER MISCONDUCT by Divorcedmoms.com
Are you co-parenting with a NARCISSIST?
Challenges in a marriage may come down to many things such as clashes with personality, values, money etc…But if you clashed with a self-absorbed spouse chances are you may have been dealing with a narcissist. What is a narcissist? Could you have been dealing with one and had no clue.
A narcissist by definition is a person who shows extreme love and infatuation with themselves. This is a very real aspect of co - parenting that many are not aware of.
There is a mental health condition called Narcissistic personality disorder in which a person obsessivly cares for their own well-being over anything else and has the utmost self importance.
PARENTS has an article titled Signs Your Co - parenting with a Narcissist and What to Do
MAYO CLINIC has more in-depth info on the condition. Now you can’t diagnose anybody lol. They would have to be professionally diagnosed but you definitely can educate yourself on Narcissistic personality disorder and other personality disorders.
WHAT TO TELL YOUR CHILD(REN) WHEN YOUR EX DOESN’T WANT TO BE INVOLVED
BIIIIIG GRRRRRR! So unfortunately there are instances where an ex will not be involved and seemingly M.I.A (missing in action) or somehow frequently hard to reach. Well what do you tell the babies?
This is at your discretion. Depending on the child’s age and comphrehension level, honesty is always a good idea but every one’s parenting style and approach is different.
Wealthy Single Mommy has an article based on a woman’s perspective about this very important topic.
The article includes:
What to say to your child when his dad is not involved
What are the effects of fatherlessness?
Absent father now wants contact: what to do
Has a list of movies and books on absent fathers and shared parenting
