DIVORCE STATS cost of divorce • signs of divorce • WHERE to START

Written By UDORO NATASHA

DIVORCE RATE

Divorces are an all too common occurrence in today’s society.

Although marriage and divorce rates are declining which is great but divorce still mounts up to almost half of marriages ending in divorce.

According to Forbes “In 2022, a total of 673,989 divorces occurred across the 45 U.S. states that report this statistics.”

Also noting "…what about the famous statistic that half of all marriages end in divorce? That’s true, but only when it comes to first marriages, half of which are dissolved. Second and third marriages actually fail at a far higher rate.”

COST OF DIVORCE

The cost of divorce is an expense that many are not prepared for. Divorce can have a hefty price tag of approximately $15,000 - $20,000 of course which varies by state. The average cost nationwide is approximately $7,000. On the low end of DIY “do it yourself” divorce could cost $200 or below or more, that also depends on state fees and procedures along with being an uncontested divorce.

An uncontested divorce means that both parties agree to ALL the terms of the divorce or aren’t fighting (contesting) over the terms. The terms are decisions on children, custody, money or assets and not trying to stop the divorce from happening. More challenging and messy divorces could cost much much more in the $700,000+ range depending on assets.

The main driver in high cost for divorce is whether or not the soon to be former couple can agree on the terms of the divorce. The more drawn out the process the more costly.

source: Forbes

SIGNS OF DIVORCE

What are the signs???… You might be asking yourself. Or there were no signs or did I really miss them?

Sometimes when we are on “go mode” or just “coasting through”, we may not be aware of certain things or spousal behaviors. Below you will find a few of the BIG and most common signs of divorce.

  1. Break down in COMMUNICATION - arguing over the simplest of things

  2. No RESPECT- being dismissive or insensitive to partners feelings

  3. No TOUCHY TOUCHY - lack of intimacy or sex

Now couples can definitely hit a rough patch in their marriage and experience some of these signs and recover which is awesome for those willing to do the work it takes to reset but others may not. KNOW THE SIGNS!

Also check out a few other sources for Signs Of Divorce:

WHERE TO START??? Thinking of divorce

So the rational question to follow, I think it’s time for divorce or my spouse has decided it’s time is, where do I start? Or what’s next?

Each state has its own laws, procedures, forms and fees. Be sure to check your specific state’s policies so that you have all the required information, forms and documents for filing for divorce.

Not meeting the requirements can cause undue stress and delay. There may be multiple ways to find your state’s requirements for filing for divorce.

Search online for your

  1. state’s law library

  2. state’s family court portal

  3. state’s court clerk

  4. state’s court website

Another question that you may have is, will marital assets be divided equally 50/50? That depends on your state. The other notable part of that is not only are assets divided but so is the debt!

Assets and debt division are called “community property” and are also dependent upon which state you live in.

FORBES offers a more in depth look into

  1. defining community property

  2. defining assets

  3. and list which states are community property states

There are 2 methods for dividing marital assets. We just mentioned community property.

The other is equitable distribution which focuses on a “fair” divide of assets that includes multiple factors including if there was:

  1. children

  2. length of marriage

  3. pre-nup

  4. standard of living etc…

FORBES also has more in depth info on equitable distribution.

JUSTIA has more info defining the difference between community property and equitable distribution.

WHAT IF MY SPOUSE IS FORCING ME OUT or KICKING ME OUT OF THE HOUSE?!

Your spouse CAN NOT force you to leave the marital home.

Ex - “My spouse said I must leave in 30 days.”

No no NOT ok! In a non-community property state (equitable distribution state) if you leave the marital home it may be used as a negative against you by the judge.

Your spouse may try to claim what’s called abandonment against you and possibly leaving them with the higher possiblility of being awarded the house.

An Abandonment charge may be awarded also if you “leave” your child(ren) behind (which may be seen in a negative light by the judge and seen as your unwillingness or ability to take care of your child(ren) and/or not assisting in maintaining home expenses.

IF you voluntarily leave you may need legal representation to collect evidence to support your reason(s) to the judge for leaving.

By no means should you have to stay especially if feeling unsafe.

  • HG has more in depth info on your rights when moving out of the marital home.

VOLUNTARILY LEAVING

To speak further about voluntarily leaving the marital home keep in mind whether a community property state or equitable distribution state, leaving the home may present challenges during the divorce process if you do not have an amicable relationship with your soon to be ex.

When voluntarily leaving there is a possibility your spouse may not let you back in whether changing the locks or other methods. You may want to consider making sure to take all or as many of your belongings, documents, paperwork etc. that may be needed as part of your divorce paperwork upon your initial departure. If needing to gain re-access or re-entry and being prohibited from doing so you may be able to ask the court to intervene.

If feeling unsafe when voluntarily leaving consider having family or friends help you. Depending on your city or county you may want to contact your local police department or Sheriff’s county office to ask for a police escort.

You may need to schedule this type of request in advance if applicable.

Some police departments may not have the resources for a police escort request but it is still worth the ask. If they are not able to be physically present ask if they can be provided with your address and be in your neighborhood or the area if they would be needing to arrive if there is trouble.

Make sure to seek professional counsel or advice on the subject matter when considering voluntarily leaving.

3 WAYS TO GO ABOUT GETTING DIVORCED

There are a few ways to the path and end goal of divorce.

  1. DIY “do it yourself” divorce

  2. Mediator

  3. Divorce attorney

DIY “do it yourself” divorce. As mentioned above, involves an uncontested divorce meaning that both parties (exes) agree to all the terms of the divorce or aren’t fighting (contesting) over the terms. The terms are decisions on custody of children, assets or money and not trying to stop the divorce from happening.

DIY is the cheapest and most “cost effective” of the 3 options.

All you need to do is find out your states laws and requirements for filing. Fill out the required forms and pay the fees. Fees vary by state, costing as low as $80 and upwards of $450.

Some requirements for an uncontested filing may include:

• jurisdiction - state residency may determine which state court will oversee the dissolution of marriage

Law Info has more info on understanding jurisdiction

• residency - depending on your state you must live in the state for a certain time frame before filing

Divorce.net has info by state on residency requirements

If you have minor children or adult child with disabilities your paperwork must include a parenting plan that maps out:

• child support

• custody arrangement

• visitation

Read the article titled “10 Things You Should Include in Your Parenting Plan” by Divorcedmoms.com

  • CUSTODY X EXCHANGE is a platform in which you can create your own parenting plan or custody agreement for how your child(ren) will be cared for. They offer a step-by-step guide.

If you cannot agree on the terms then you will not be able to file an uncontested divorce and will have to go through mediation and/or court where the court makes a determination.

FORBES - Divorce Papers & Forms has info on the most important papers and forms needed and how to file.

Mediator

A mediator is a neutral figure and professional, who could be a lawyer, who is the “middle man or woman” that acts as a facilitator to help keep the focus on “fairness” as defined by you and your soon to be ex spouse.

It is private and confidential meaning there is no public record of what is discussed or how you determine the outcome.

The cost of mediation is “cheaper” than going to trial and also can be completed a lot quicker than going to court since the soon to be exes negotiates the timeline of completion.

According to Forbes…"During divorce mediation, the mediator guides couples in addressing all the issues associated with divorce, including asset division, custody arrangements and spousal and child support.”

source: Forbes

NOLO has a step by step explanation of what mediation is, who should and should not do mediation, how the process works and how to start. They also have a directory of lawyers by type and location.

(DISCLAIMER - please check our disclaimer page (Eek!…The “D” word!”) for more info on external sites/hyperlinks that have lawyer directories)

Mediation as an option allows for more control over the outcome as determined by you and your soon to be ex and not the court.

Divorce attorney

This type of attorney specializes in family law. They work for and on the behalf of their clients individual needs and desires. This can be the most stressful option as temperments can definitely tested. The longest of the 3 options, traditional divorce can take up to 2 yrs or more to finalize especially if the terms of the divorce cannot be agreed upon and if you have children.

If you are just starting your divorce process and using an attorney be sure to find a qualified experienced divorce attorney to help you understand more about the process and requirements for your state. Keep in mind a judge may order mediation before going to trial.

Don’t be afraid to “shop” around for the right attorney. Like with your clothes or shoes, your attorney needs to be a good fit for you. Attorneys have their own methods and personalities so make sure they FIT with YOUR personality and needs.

  • DIVORCED MOMS has information on traits to look for when hiring an attorney

DIVORCED MOMS also has a transcript of a podcast titled “How to Work with Your Attorney Before, During, and After Divorce Proceedings,” that discusses:

  • Negotiating fair settlements with the other side

  • Modifying child custody arrangements

  • Receiving your fair share financially

  • Representing yourself in court

  • How limited scope representation could work for you

When using an attorney, the court decides the outcome.

Can I just ask some questions - to an attorney?

Some lawyers may offer a free consultation where it’s an opportunity for you to not only see if they are a good fit but ask questions or legal advice. Asking questions can help you understand your options and rights especially as it pertains to child custody.

Keep in mind not all lawyers offer the option of a free consultation.

Do lawyers offer a limited or cheaper scope of services?

Some attorneys may offer what’s called “Limited Scope Representation” or “Unbundling” which is assistance with some (limited) aspects of your case. This means that you would be self-representing (this is called pro-se) and handling ALL other aspects of your case.

This option can possibly help you save money while getting the guidance you need because divorce is a very complex process.

WHY WOULD MY DIVORCE TAKE SO LONG??

As mentioned before, divorce finalization can take up to 1 - 2yrs+ due to the type of filing meaning the divorce was filed by self “DIY,” mediator or court via an attorney.

Depending on your state, there may be a waiting period before you can finalize your divorce after you file your Original Petition for Divorce (if you filed first). In Texas for instance there is a 60 day waiting period called a “cooling-off period.”

Divorce is a major decision and some state courts want to give you “time to think things through.” Some people will file and then change their minds. For that reason and for some couples this time is beneficial and a good thing for those that need it.

There may be some exceptions that waive your state’s “cooling-off period.”

  • VIOLENCE - if your soon to be ex has been convicted of violence against you or other members of your family

  • RESTRAINING OR PROTECTIVE ORDERS - an active order (which is filed at a courthouse) prohibits your ex from harassing or physically coming near you or other members of your family

For more info on Protective Orders and Legal Resources click NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE

COURT FEES

Divorce can be costly financially and have various fees associated with it. Part of those costs are court fees. Below you will find a list and definitions for the different types of fees.

  1. filing fee - you pay the court to start your case: If you did not file for divorce (your spouse did), you DO NOT have to pay a filing fee.

  2. service fee - you pay the sheriff or process server to deliver(serve) your spouse with divorce papers

  3. mediation fee - depending on your state and if you have children, you pay a mediator to help you and your soon to be ex spouse determine an agreement on custody, assets, etc..

  4. appeal fee - if you feel the judge assigned to your case made any mistakes on your case you can ask a higher court to review and look into the matter

Most states do not require court fees for domestic violence or in cases of child custody or child support

Check with the court clerk for a complete list of fees so you can prepare and be aware of the total cost for your case.

IF YOU CAN NOT AFFORD COURT FEES…

  • If you HAVE a lawyer - have them request your court fees be waived

  • If you DO NOT HAVE a lawyer - check to see if the court has a “fee waiver request” form for you to fill out to ask the judge to waive any court fees

  • If it is a financial hardship for you to pay an extra expense such as court fees or if you are receiving any Government assistance programs ex. food stamps, welfare, SSI…depending on your state you may be able to get partial or all court fees waived.

HELLO DIVORCE has an article on how to get your court fees waived that also includes links to 10 states fee waiver forms. Be sure to double check with your state court clerk regarding the correct form.

Click DIVORCE TERMINOLOGY IN COURT for understanding more about terms and definitions.

CHILD SUPPORT CALCULATOR

Each state uses 1 of 3 different methods for determining child support payments.

  • “The income shares model looks at the incomes and expenses of both parents and prorates each parent’s contribution based on a percentage.

  • The income percentage model looks at the non-custodial parent’s income and expenses and calculates child support based on a percentage of that amount. In several states, that percentage is a flat rate.

  • The Melson formula looks at the expenses and incomes of both parents and also takes each parent’s basic needs into account when determining child support.”

source: HELLO DIVORCE

HELLO DIVORCE has additional information on child support calculators. They also have listed 8 state calculators.

Keep in mind any numbers provided via the calculators are estimates at best and should not be used replace professional counsel but for gaining a better understanding of what to possibly expect.

Check your state for a child support calculator.

DIVORCED MOMS has an article titled “4 Things Parents Miss When Calculating Child Support and Expenses”

MISTAKES TO AVOID WHEN CONSIDERING DIVORCE

There are some things to keep in mind when considering divorce. Things that could be detrimental to your divorce process and result in undesirable outcomes.

To name a few:

  • not being prepared: not providing required documentation

    ex. financials/bank statements, business, retirement, property, debt, etc…

    • The aforementioned mistake is the #1 challenge for attorneys for moving your case along.

  • overlooking the impact on finances

  • hiding assets or debt

    • JUSTIA has more info on hidden assets and your legal rights

  • rushing into decisions or agreeing prematurely to terms

  • lack of communication with your ex spouse and/or attorney

  • hiring the wrong attorney: someone that’s not a good fit for you

For more info on the costly mistakes of divorce check out:

DECIDING TO MOVE FORWARD…WHAT TO ASK FOR IN YOUR DIVORCE SETTLEMENT

OK so you’re ready? Well let’s make sure to understand what a divorce settlement is and marital balance sheet.

IF you are not filing or going through an uncontested divorce and doing mediation or going to court with the help of a mediator or attorney (court) you will have access to a marital balance sheet. A marital balance sheet is an itemized document displaying assets and liabilities owned jointly or separately by you and your spouse.

The information on this sheet is supplied by your mediator or attorney after both you and your ex share financial information and documentation (Financial Affidavits or financial disclosure forms which can be called by a different name depending on your state) and other on sources of income and expenes to include assets and liabilities. Things like:

  1. bank accounts (personal and/or business)

  2. tax returns

  3. vehicles

  4. property: (land, home(s): primary and/or vacation)

  5. owned private business interests (may require outside appraisal/business evaluation)

  6. retirement

  7. investments

  8. debt (credit card or loans)

Your marital balance sheet can help paint a clear picture as it pertains to calculating child support and alimony by accurately giving the value of each category item and dividing them equally.

A divorce settlement is the FINALE, the coming end of the divorce process. It’s the agreement or terms that you and your ex have agreed upon to be filed to the court as part of your divorce decree.

A divorce decree is your proof of the end or dissolving of your marriage. It is the legal and official judgement or document noting your divorce process has been completed. You will receive the decree from the court.

FORBES has more details defining what is a divorce decree, why it’s important and how to get another copy if needed.

Now what can you ask for: ANY and EVERYTHING! (or just about - within reason)

Now that also doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll get everything you want but you won’t know unless you ask.

Negotiations can be for various things. The typical things are custody, child support, division of assets, property etc..but you can also negotiate:

  • lawyer or mediator fees

  • mortgage

  • car payment

  • investments

  • retirement (401K, pensions, etc…)

  • alimony (spousal support/spousal maintenance)

  • pets, furniture, beds, kitchenware etc… yes you can!

WEALTHY SINGLE MOMMY has an article that discusses what to ask for in a divorce settlement agreement:

  • FAQs (Frequently Asked Questions) about property in divorce

  • Know what to ask for and what not to forget in a divorce settlement

  • What items are considered a GIFT and you KEEP

  • and more…

UDORO NATASHA
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